Even though statistics show that our chances of being eaten by a shark while swimming in the ocean are only one in seven, the author believes that the following tips can help increase those odds even more. Follow these suggestions and you and your family can enjoy a safe and fun-filled summer at the beach.

(1). If approached by a shark while swimming in deep water, always remain CALM. Should you be “brushed” by a Shark who is testing your biological makeup as to your worthiness as a meal, stay calm and do not show the slightest hint of fear. Neutralize any bleeding as soon as possible, and remember, sharks can SMELL fear.

(2). Carry a waterproof telecommunications aid. When swimming in shark-infested waters, always carry a cell-phone programmed to dial 911. It’s just good sense.

(3). Use the Buddy System; never swim alone. Using the buddy system will give you something to climb on should a shark attack occur, offering you a better vantage point from which to direct other swimmers out of the water, while giving yourself a leaping off point to attain the beach yourself.

(4). Always wear a shark cage strapped to your mid-section. Made of high-grade three-inch corrugated circular steel bars, encrusted all around with a two-inch layer of concrete, this twelve-foot by sixteen-foot cage will protect any swimmer wearing it from the most ferocious shark attack. Swim in the deepest, most dangerous waters without the slightest fear, knowing that while wearing this shark cage you are completely safe. Under water, of course, the cage is weightless.

(6). It is a proven fact that most shark attacks happen in less than three-feet of water. The answer? Never go in water deeper than three inches. “Come get me,” you'll be telling the beasts out there in the waves, as you frolic safely in your pool. They won’t even consider it. Sure, they'll yell some stuff back at you, but what does that matter as long as you're safe!

Most shark attacks happen in less than three feet of water.

(7). Never swim without a .44 Magnum strapped to your hips. Although one of the most successful deterrents against shark-attack, a traditional .44 Magnum is cumbersome and heavy, and the swimmer might consider using the new Balsa wood model, which can shoot a hole in a concrete wall while at the same time weighing in at .13 ounces. The Balsa wood bullets come standard or hollowpoint.

(8). Swim in crowded areas. Always swim where there are other swimmers, the more the better. By swimming among other swimmers you cut your odds of you being the one the shark will get. While it's true the shark is going to eat somebody, it doesn't have to be you!

(9). Misdirect the sharks by “chumming” an area of the beach with fish heads, blood and guts, at least fifty feet down the beach from where you intend to swim, thereby misdirecting the sharks away from your area. While the sharks are going through their murderous frenzy chasing the smells and presence of fresh blood on the water, you and your family will be enjoying a pleasurable swim fifty feet down the beach.

(10). When swimming in the ocean, always speak Spanish. Most man-eating sharks cruise the waters off Mexico, South America, Cuba and Miami, and therefore have learned to understand the Spanish language spoken by people in the water. Dr. Maleggza Profusbleeden from the Miami Ominous Fin Club tells us, “Yes, it’s true most sharks that habitat the warmer waters are so accustomed to hearing Spanish spoken by swimmers they encounter they have picked up the language. They respond to the speaker’s tone, as would a dog, but only if the words are spoken in Spanish. If a swimmer was confronted by a Great White Shark in open water, for example, they would most likely escape harm if they were to tell the shark in a stern voice, “Vayase!” (“Git!”). If you spoke in English, the shark wouldn't understand you. Sharks are intelligent, obedient creatures; but only if you speak the language they understand. (In the last one-hundred years there has been only one reported shark attack upon a Spanish-speaking person, only because that person spoke with a stutter.)

There is no need for this week's shark-scare to keep you and your family out of the water. By following these ten simple rules you can swim safe and free from worry at any time of the year. Sure, the sharks are going to eat somebody, but by following these simple suggestions you can be assured it won’t be you.

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Rudy Young
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